year three.

Johni,
I can't believe it has already been three years since you have been gone...

Its crazy to think back to where we all were as people then. So much has changed, yet, I still think of you often as little things remind me of happy memories we shared. Sometimes the correlation is pretty silly, like when me and Pat were at Velvet and a ridiculous Flight of The Concords song came on. I am sorry that I don't write to you/about you as much, thats time I guess. But it doesn't mean that you are any less important in my life. In fact, your influence was crucial to me becoming the person I am today, and for that I am thankful.

[[ i know this picture is super ridiculous, but she looks so pretty in it and its silly so i like it, circa 2007ish. my first attempts at a johni tree painting tonight. ]]

Last year I debated finishing our book but decided against it for the time being, even when another was added to the series. I just feel like I need to do something to commemorate you before I can cut that tie. I also started a painting for you a year ago today, but didn't get further than the background at the time. I guess I was afraid to start and mess it up (I never was as skilled as you were), but tonight I picked up the canvas again and went for it. I am not positive where I am going with it yet, but hopefully it turns out.

I am not really sure what I am trying to say to you today. I guess I just wanted you to know that me and Pat are doing great and that we both miss you and thank you for being the person that you were. I wish I could have known you longer. I think that we could have had some grand conversations in the future about wedding planning and the importance of hanging paper lanterns and pretty lights in a backyard.

((( more johni posts. )))

♥

happy birthday johni girl

I miss you. ♥

year two.

Johni, 

It is hard to believe it has been two years,
but I am kind of getting used to you being gone.
Although, I don't think I like it...

I am getting used to seeing the picture of me and you that I have framed in my room, smiling, and then going on about my day knowing that my few treasured snapshots and items are all I will ever have. I have gotten used to speaking to you through writing, always with a brief and wishful thought that you may actually be able to perceive my words. Occasionally I even utter things out loud with the same small wish. You continue to influence my thoughts and actions as I often step back to consider what you must have gone through, and that my hurtles, in comparison, are extremely minimal. Indirectly you have made me a better person.

Your name draws more happy memories than sad ones these days.
I suppose that is part of griefs evolution through time.

I still get choked up when I hear your name,
but your memory brings a smile to my face most of all.
I hold on to my memories of you tightly, they are small treasures.

[[ one of johni's tree paintings. an unused playground shot from my old photography project. ]]

I still have not picked up a paintbrush...
Tonight will be my first attempt to revisit an old hobby that we shared. I think I will start with a Johni Tree, just for you, or maybe just for me? Things we did together before help me feel connected to you, and i feel like its the right time to start up again. Especially on this day. I may not be able to blend acrylic backgrounds like you, but I will try my best to come up with something reminiscent of your work. Wish me luck.

((( more johni posts. )))

I miss you so much. 
Every damn day. 

♥

happy birthday johni

Happy Birthday Johni Love!
I miss you much, every single day, and wish you were here.

This little picture reminded me of you, so I colored her up a bit to look more like you and made her your birthday card. I think her kitty looks a bit like Luna too, so it seemed especially fitting. I think you would very much like a kitty tea party after all.

[[ happy birthday johni love. 26. ]]

Love you. ♥

midweek inspiration 26 :: la catrina

In honor of Dia De Los Muertos (Day of the Dead) I am posting my inspirations a bit early this week with some beautiful women made up in the style of La Catrina. I would love love love to play around with this one year in the near future. So lovely. If you are interested in the holiday, refer to my post from last year where I explain it a bit, the concept behind the celebrations are really beautiful.

1. & 2. Muertos Concepts by 666 Photography

3. La Catrina from Pinterest (original source unknown).

4. Red, found on Mooremiri

5. Primavera de los Muertos - Spring Sugar Skull by Lloyd K. Barnes Photography

6. Only a Memory III by Sarachmet

7. Dia De Los Muertos from Fashion Served

8. Her True Self by DocoPhoto


As always Johni, today, I think of you. 

..

weekend adventures 41

Last weekend was a little bit happy and a little bit sad, but I was happy to have an old and a new friend to keep me company and help cheer me up on Sunday. Thank you so much Megan and Bronx!

saturday
Pat had made super secret plans with our friend Alicia to meet her and her husband Nate for some wine tasting. It was part of Alicia's anniversary gift to him. In the morning we got up, ready, and headed up to Carlton for an adventure. It was rainy on and off all day and not super warm, but we still made the best of the day venturing to various tasting rooms and even having a little picnic lunch with delicious veggies and snacks from Alicia's garden. Since me and Pat got such an early start and the two of them were staying at a hotel for the night, we headed home around dinner time.

[[ old barn. grape vines. nate/alicia. terra vina. the drizzly drive home. ]]

saturday night
My friend Megan had been contemplating coming down to Corvallis for the weekend all week long... and finally I convinced her to head out and bring her new love with her as a surprise for Pat. Megan is very impulsive (she disagrees), and one morning I got an email from her saying "Guess what... I got a puppy yesterday." What!? Was my response, because I had not even heard her talking about it before. Apparently she went to the Humane Society, fell in love, and the rest is history. Anyway, I was super excited to meet the little guy, Bronx, who is part black lab, part pit bull, and all the way adorable.

Pat is obsessed with puppies and we plan on getting one of our own someday, so I did not tell him she was coming because I wanted it to be a surprise. His reaction was priceless. Megan walks in the door with puppy in tow and yells "Surprise!". Pat goes "Oh, hey." with NO reaction what so ever because he is playing video games. So I go "Hey Pat, I think you missed something." and immediately he yells, "Puppy!". The rest of the night was made up of drinks, our friend Rory coming by with his puppy Harlow and his lady, puppy play time, Mario Kart for Nintendo 64, and the movie Clueless. We did not go to bed until about 4:30 in the morning. Ugh.


sunday (johni day)
Sunday Sept 18th, 2011 was exactly one year after our friend Johni passed away, so me and Pat wanted to do/eat/watch some things that reminded us of her. I mentioned all of the specifics in my post on Monday which was dedicated to her, but for a summary: Flight of The Concords, Tangled, cornbread, outside time, Alice in Wonderland, and A Lion Among Men. I would like to come up with a little something every year to remember her by. I definitely did a fair share of crying... but since puppy was around, I had a bit of a distraction and was able to play a little bit. I am sure she would have preferred it that way.

[[ still shots from imdb. chili and cornbread for dinner. ]]

Though most of the day consisted of laying around watching movies and playing with the pups, it was a gorgeous day outside, so me and Megan took Bronx out for a nice little walk, slash longboard ride. He is the laziest puppy I have ever seen! Megan grabbed his leash and instead of getting all excited to walk, he started chewing on it and coaxing her in to a game of tug-o-war. THEN to get him to come outside she had to pick him up and set him on the ground in the front yard. What a weirdo. However, once I hopped on my board and we started going he because fascinated with the wheels and was much more inclined to walk, or chase, me. He even tried to hop on a few times and allowed me to set him on the board and push him for a minute! He will be a little skateboarding pooch in no time. Below are some pictures of out little outdoor excursion with the pups.

[[ bronx not wanting to walk. longboarding dog. sleepy. scenery around our place .]]

i miss you...

Sunday September 18th marked the one year anniversary of my friend Johni's passing. And it has been one day short of a year since I wrote my first Johni post. I miss you...

[[ johni in outtakes from a photography project in 08. ]]

It is still really hard to think about you sometimes, or look at pictures... I have so many fond memories of us being silly together, and it is all those good times that help me keep my sanity when I come to the realization that I will never see you again. It is hard to think about my wedding and not having you there. You were one of the only people that I would ever talk about that sort of thing with, in fact I remember one of our last conversations when we were talking about paper lanterns and Alice in Wonderland. I did a pretty good job holding it together yesterday, (though I did loose it a little bit), but I have to admit it is really hard to write this right now. I cannot believe it has already been an entire year. It seems too surreal. I still have all of our Skype conversations saved, but have not dared to look back on them quite yet. Last night I read a bit of our book for the first time in almost a year. I still cannot decide if I really want to finish it or not, and I have yet to paint something. I hope you are happy now wherever you are, and free of pain forever, finally.

Yesterday me and Pat watched "Tangled" in the morning because it reminds me of you so much. I think that if you would have seen that movie she would have easily been your favorite Disney character even over Sleeping Beauty. She is even an artist like you, not to mention the fact that you look so similar somehow. Maybe that is just my mind wanting to put things together. I watched some Flight of the Concords in the morning also, it was the best thing I could think of to cheer me up. "Bowie" and "The Talking Stove" since we used to always quote them for some reason. We also made cornbread like you used to and watched the animated "Alice in Wonderland" from the 50s. Of course that one reminds me of you always.

Anyway, I really miss you and wish so much that we could have spent one last day together outside in the sun gossiping and painting like we used to. I know that is selfish of me, but I cannot help but to think it. I would have even let you have some of my grapefruit juice.

[[ college snapshots. johni/pat/me/06. me/johni. ]]

Pat said it best yesterday morning on Facebook:

" Dear Johni Keller,

It's been a year since you've been gone. I miss you when I think of the good times we shared. I'll cherish those memories forever. I'm a better person for having known you. You taught me that some of the most important things in life are often the most simple things. I think of you often. You will always hold a special place in my heart.

I'm going to go make corn bread now and watch some of your favorite movies in your honor.

- Love Patrick "


Ditto. ♥

((( more johni posts )))

tangled

Have you seen the movie Tangled? We watched it earlier this week, and it is super cute. The graphics have gotten soo good now. Of course it is cheesy and there are a lot of songs, it is Disney after all.

I think it was partly because she looked similar to Sleeping Beauty, who was her favorite, and partly because she was so silly and had similar facial expressions? Or maybe it was just because I wanted her to... but the whole time Rapunzel totally reminded me of Johni. I also kept thinking, independently, that the "prince" figure bared a striking resemblance to Brandon... It was not until the end of the movie when they are in a boat surrounded by lanterns that I put the two together and realized that I found some serious doppelgangers. Oh, did I mention her character is also a painter? I don't know maybe I am crazy, but looking back on old pictures I totally see it. Especially the big eyes and little toothy smile.

Is it weird that I still think about her/you so much?

[[ movie action shots. ]]

happy birthday johni

Today is Johni's birthday (25th).

I took a lot of pictures in bend this weekend of twisty trees that made me think of you. Happy birthday. I wish you were here.

grenades, wine, and a book.

One of my least favorite things is when a new video game comes out... let me be more specific... when a new shooter video game comes out that Pat is interested in. I get the pleasure of listening to fake explosion sounds and Pat yelling to his friends "What the *%$# I totally got like five headshots, how is that guy still standing!?" All night.

Thanks to Call of Duty, I have not exactly been able to enjoy much company from the boys this week... So in order to feel somewhat constructive, I poured myself a glass of wine and decided to FINALLY revisit "A Lion Among Men". I have been sort of reluctant to read it because it fills me with memories every time i pick it up, and I sort of feel as though it is my last real connection to Johni. I am not really sure how to explain it, but I am hesitant to actually finish the book... although last night I read about 60 pages unintentionally. I think I will try to finish the section that I am on tonight, but I am not sure if I want to move on much further past that just yet. Soon though...

[[ canas feast wine. pasta with chicken for dinner. book. halloween candy. ]]

día de los muertos

I will be back with Halloween pictures tomorrow, but I wanted to talk about a completely separate holiday today - Day of the Dead, since it is the last day of the celebration. I am not Hispanic at all, but I have a deep appreciation for the nature of this traditionally Mexican holiday. Not only is the imagery associated with it amazingly beautiful, but the meaning behind it is something that I think should be celebrated by all.

[[ part of a day of the dead colored pencil project i did in freaking high school (aka, a million years ago), we had to pick a holiday to base our work off of... i was the only one who picked this one. ]]

Please excuse my ignorance if I have some of this information incorrect. To my understanding, Day of the Dead is a three day celebration (beginning at midnight on october 31st, and going on through november 2nd) where families come together to honor their deceased friends and relatives by decorating their graves, enjoying their favorite foods, sharing stories and prayers, and leaving offerings behind. Though it seems to me that there is some mourning involved, the events are primarily a celebration of the lives of the dead. Religion aside, I appreciate the idea of acknowledging the dead publicly in a happy light, rather than avoiding the subject, like we seem to do here. I believe that there is a lot to learn from many other cultures.

Here are some beautiful 'La Catrina' illustrations by Stella Latwinski lovelovelove. I really want to try to paint something inspired by these! They are seriously amazing.

I am currently drinking a freshly squeezed Grayhound for you Ms. Keller. I even used an entire juicy grapefruit. ♥

weekend adventures 2

As promised, I would like to get back in the habit of posting my 'weekend adventures' at the beginning of every week (normally on a Monday, but this weekend was a little different, and as you know one event got its own post yesterday).

saturday afternoon

Me, Pat, and Tiffany went to Johni's memorial service in Estacada. Again, it was beautiful, and it just so happened that the weather turned out beautiful as well. In the morning it was somber and overcast, but as we drove closer and closer the sun came out and everything became more vibrant. I started to get a little panic-y and upset while we were driving there, so I decided to take some pictures of the scenery to calm my nerves and take everything in.

saturday evening

After the ceremony Tiffany drove back home and me and Pat followed some of the close friends and family members in attendance up to Brandons' parents house. It was really nice to spend some time with him and all the guys we have not seen in a few years (it is amazing that it has been that long!). We watched the Beavers win, drank a few drinks (some more than others), shared funny memories, and ended the night with a HUGE, I mean seriously HUGE bonfire! Unfortunately my documentation does not do it justice, but when that thing started it was amazing, It looked like the flames went on forever. 

[[ above: country drive. below: bonfire. ]]

sunday

We got up in the morning, visited with my Dad and sisters a little bit, and then rushed off to look at a few more cars. (incase you are not aware, me and Pat have been shopping for a second car, and figuring in a budget for it, for several months now). We test drove a 2010 Nissan Maxima for the second time, among a few other used cars, and ultimately ended up sitting in the Subaru, in a parking lot, trying to decide what to do next. 


Any guesses? 
We ended up doing something kinda crazy.............. 
WE BOUGHT A CAR! 

We ultimately went back to the Nissan. Think what you will, but we decided that this car felt a lot more luxury than some of the actual 'luxury' cars we had been looking at. I sort of had a lingering feeling that we would end up coming back to one of these because Pat has really had his eye on them since we started looking. It is a lot bigger than the Sube, but we definitely wanted something with a bit more space. It is comfy as hell, it is fast, it has a sun roof, it is shiny and a pretty color, and pretty damn perfect looking inside and out considering it is a used car after all. 

[[ above: new car. below: pat driving home. ]]

So that is that, our first big purchase together...

Oh, and you know what else this means???!!! It means that I, Jennifer Blechman, at the rightful age of 24, finally have my own car for the first time EVER! Thats right, the sexy little black Subaru is mine mine mine, all mine. ♥♥♥

closure part II.

I decided that I have to post a little bit about Johni's service, it was really beautiful and I wanted to share some aspects of it here. I also want to put up a little bit more of her art work I have pictures of. I know it seems like that is all i talk about lately, but it is pretty much all I think about and a big part of my life right now, so that is just the way it is. I promise I will focus on some more lighthearted topics after this... I just feel like I have to 'write the last page before i can close the book', cheesy as that sounds. I do not like unfinished business, especially business as important as this.

The painting below was said to be only halfway finished. I am curious as to where she was going with it because it seems so much more light and airy than the bulk of her works...

[[ unfinished painting. manifesto. ]]

This Saturday, as I mentioned last week, me and Pat attended Johni's memorial service in Estacada. Tiffany also decided to join us there, which I was really happy about. There were a tremendous amount of people, which I thought was pretty amazing. Obviously she has impacted so many people throughout her short span of life. The ceremony itself was beautiful and full of emotion.
Brandon gave a great speech that made us all laugh and cry. One of her cousins read excerpts from an artist blog she held while showing off some of her sketches. At the end there was a slideshow of pictures that took us through her entire life and had everyone in tears. I was honestly surprised to see that some of my photographs I posted here earlier provided the end images in the slideshow, with this image of her being last. That made it so special to me, and I will never forget it. Afterwards they held a little art reception where some of her prints and paintings were on display, and there were even takeaways (some prints of her favorite pieces) tied up with black yarn. Below are some of her works we took pictures of:

[[ title unknown. crane and balloon. raven. lungs. ]]

I am really into how dark and textural these prints are, both in terms of content and color. i would love to have a copy of the 'crane and balloon' to hang on my wall.

________________________________________________________________

final 'word' on the subject :: 

beautiful lyrics to growing old is getting old, by silversun pickups. ♥

so we all are growing old, and its getting old.

pressure on our hallow bones and the varicose.

suddenly, i decompose. but were not alone.

so we all are growing old.

maybe were sealed in silence. maybe we feel the guidance.

maybe your only vices will keep you afraid and cold.

but i...

memorize your smile lines from left to right.

came to life in childlike reaction time.

were allowed to expire with ourselves in mind.

still we all are growing old.

put out the fear of silence. and put out the need for guidance

and put out your only vices. and dont be afraid of the cold.

we sing. we sing. we sing.

we fight. we fight. we fight.

we cry. we cry. we cry.

we slide. we slide. we slide into the light.

do we sing. we fight. we cry.

we slide. we slide. we slide into the light.

maybe were sealed in silence. maybe we feel the guidance.

maybe your only vices will keep you afraid and cold well...

put out the fear of silence. and put out the need for guidance.

and put out your only vices. and dont be afraid of the cold, afraid of the cold. 

afraid of the time we've got no where to go but here.

closure part I.

first things first. 
Today is the first day of October, which to me (based on the strangely warm Oregon weather as of late), marks sort of the beginning of the fall season in general, and an end to the summer months and all of the emotional events they brought with them this year. Though I am sad to see carefree summer go away for what seems like an eternity (and I know once we are covered in perpetual rain I will regret admitting this), I am ready for a change, ready to move on. August was really hard. September was REALLY hard. And now that we are into October I feel like I have a fresh start, and new things to be excited about! For example... candy corn, pumpkins, anything pumpkin scented or flavored, Halloween(!), being surrounded by pretty colors as the leaves change, bundling up inside relaxing with some hot chocolate and Pat on a rainy day (wishful thinking), and the seasonal October movies such as: Hocus Pocus, The Addams family series, and anything Tim Burton(!!).


second, and more importantly. 
Tomorrow is Johni's memorial service in Estacada. me and Pat, and I am sure a ton of people we have not seen in a few years will be there. I am extremely nervous about it! I have never been to anything like this before, and I have no idea what to expect. On the other hand, I am extremely happy that we are able to be there to remember her and say goodbye. I know it is going to be a really hard day, but I feel like it will provide some sense of closure and allow us to truly come to terms with the fact that she is gone, and hopefully in a much better place. (Again, not being religious, I am still not really sure what that means, but I would love to believe it for her).

( Side note, Johni loved to paint and play with types of printmaking. Abstract trees were one of her favorite subjects. The branches were always twisting in strange new patterns filled with a lot of movement. She was also really good at blending colors with acrylic paints. Something I have yet to master. Below are three of her pieces. The bottom one her take of a self portrait. She also did a really awesome wood carving based loosely on Edgar Allen Poe's 'The Raven' that I love and wish I had to post. )

[[ lovely work by johni keller ]]

words.

I am ready to fast forward. I miss normality.
August and September have been really hard months...........
A lot has changed.

I start to do better, but then something reminds me of you. Pretty much everything reminds me of you.

I have been listening to Degausser non stop since this weekend. I think its really sad. I think its really beautiful. It confuses me. It makes me cry. I cant get away from it right now. Sad songs are all i want to hear.

//// take apart your head. chew it up and swallow. ////

I also love all these compositions people make. They are so simple yet emotionally charged. I am really drawn to them right now...

[[ doodle is mine. the rest are ffffound. ]]

wicked

Oh man today sucked. I got stuck running something to Troutdale and straight back for work... So like 4.5 hours in the car. (Got a little lost finding the little airport in the middle of nowhere...) The car was a big company truck mind you that made me feel like I was in a perpetual earthquake and sounded like the engine was going to explode because everything was so loud. This whole transaction gave me the pleasure of getting one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I seriously didn't think I was going to make it back to Corvallis.

[[ series: wicked. son of a witch. a lion among men. ]]

Anyway...
I started reading the Wicked series a while back after being curious about it for a long time... Johni decided to read the series with me, which was awesome, because I actually had someone to talk to about it. We were on the third and final book, "A Lion Among Men". As of right now I am a little more than halfway through it, but I stopped reading when Johni wasnt on Skype last week because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't pass her. Now I feel like I really need to finish it, but I can't bring myself to do it yet! :[ The first book is still our favorite, but I am anxious to see if this one answers all the questions about the series I have left. I sure hope so..................

Yesterday I found these images by Lissy Elle that are beautiful!! Wicked is definitely NOT the story from The Wizard of Oz, but I can totally see one of these with some ruby slippers or even better, green skin. Love the dirty feet too. <3<3<3

[[ harry potter. peter pan. alice in wonderland. beauty & the beast. ]]

johni ♥

[[ johni keller. 12/20/1985 - 9/18/2010 ]]

Saturday night my friend Johni passed away from chronic lung failure. She had been battling with Cystic Fibrosis her entire life and has overcome some amazing things. She survived a double lung transplant a few years ago and was doing great for a while. I am happy she was able to gain a few more years from the operation... but it all still seems so sudden. Two weeks ago we were talking about books, and weddings, and painting, and bunnies, and now she is gone. Life is so precious. I am not a religious person, but I would love to think that she is somewhere great now, with her Dad, free of pain, and happy. Really happy.

It is really hard for me to write about this, or look at these pictures right now, but I feel like I need to share them. And I want to remember how much this is impacting my life. She looks so beautiful and vibrant and carefree in them. I am so happy I had her as a roomate so that she could model for me, and for me to be able to have so many of these now. I will never forget you Johni, or all of the silly moments we shared together. Painting in our office. Sitting in the backyard with the mini pools. Our walks to the playground or our swimming spot. Watching girly movies together because the boys wouldnt dare. Talking about 'babies' in class. Quoting Flight of The Concords and confusing everyone. Laughing hysterically about... nothing in particular. Dancing around the house. And just having a girl around all the time to talk to for once. I love you and will never forget you. I will miss you forever my love.

[[ photography project fall 09. i know some of them look sort of somber, but that was my interpretation of the project. i was really trying to contrast that with the bright colors though. still she looks beautiful. ]]


____________________________________________________________________________________

until we meet again <3 <3.